Big help

I need to handle the laundry, however, the water pipes are giving me trouble... I suppose contacting a technician to repair them is wise. Maybe they can also address my other issue, specifically, my intense craving for a firm member! For this reason, dear Mr. Technician, kindly remedy my eager and dripping seam as well, as it yearns for your sizable salt shaker! Loose it within me promptly!